Awaiting Tiger’s faux press conference …

As Hank Williams would say, “the news is out all over town” that Tiger Woods is teeing off on Tiger Part Deux tomorrow morning at a faux press conference in Florida designed to set the stage for his return to the PGA Tour, presumably.

Even though my expectations are severely limited, based on a combination of common sense and the draconian restrictions that are being placed on this non-press conference, I still want to see it. That’s because I want to see his demeanor and be able to try to make a judgment about sincerity, contriteness, etc.

(Tiger Woods artwork by Darryl Vlasak, a preview of the cover of the March 12 issue of Sports Collectors Digest.)

I know, I know, I am setting myself up for disappointment, either because he won’t be able to deliver on such nuance or the structure of the event will be so, uh, constipated, that trying to draw any useful conclusions will be nothing short of silly. But I can do silly.

(Aside: Speaking of silly, how’s this? I wanted to make sure I was using “constipated” in its appropriate figurative sense, and my dictionary offered this: slow-moving; restricted or inhibited in some way: spontaneous girls like Ellen are never going to be intimate with constipated deadpan fellows like me.) I swear I didn’t make this up. I’m just not that clever.

Anyway, I’ll be watching just as millions of others to see how Tiger engineers Phase II of this most epic of American tales. From the initial reaction to how it’s been set up, the prognosis isn’t good. For a guy with the most expensive handlers that money can buy, you can’t help but wonder if they are somehow giving him bad advice or he is merely nixing all the good advice and opting instead for his own counsel.

I understand the compulsion to try to control the environment for this initial exposure, but I am confused a bit by the timing. Perhaps the announcement tomorrow will shed some light on why this particular Friday was selected as the moment, rather than say the following Monday after the Accenture Match Play event was completed.

Ernie Els was critical of the timing, and from what I’ve seen of Els, you have to wonder how somebody goes about getting him riled up. I’ve always considered him unflappable, but then I’ve had a few illusions unceremoniously dissolved over the last few years.

We’ll talk on Monday.